There is a right way and a wrong way to get to know someone for
marriage. The wrong way is to get caught up in the excitement and
nuance of a budding relationship and in the process completely forget to
ask the critical questions that help determine compatibility. One of
the biggest mistakes that many young Muslims make is rushing into
marriage without properly and
thoroughly getting to
know someone. A common myth is that the duration of a courtship is an
accurate enough measure of how compatible two people are. The logic
follows that the longer you speak with someone, the better you will know
them. The problem with that premise is that no consideration is given
to
how that time is spent. Increasingly, young Muslim couples
are engaging in “halal dating,” which is basically socializing with each
other in the company of friends and/or family. This includes going out
to dinner, watching a movie, playing some sport or other leisure
activity, etc. Depending on the family or culture, conversations are
either minimal & chaperoned or worse, unrestricted and unsupervised.
When you consider these limitations it makes one wonder when exactly,
if ever at all, would the critical conversations take place?
Unfortunately, for many, the answer is never and they live to suffer
the consequences. If you or someone you know is in the “getting to know
someone” phase, the following guide offers advice on exactly what to
look for and avoid:
1) Do Not Marry Potential: Oftentimes men consider
marrying a woman hoping she never changes while a woman considers
marrying a man she hopes she can change. This is the wrong approach on
both accounts. Don’t assume that you can change a person after you’re
married to them or that they will reach their potential. There is no
guarantee, after all, that those changes will be for the better. In
fact, it’s often for the worse. If you can’t accept someone or imagine
living with them as they are then don’t marry them. These differences
can include a number of things such as ideological or practical
differences in religion, habits, hygiene, communication skills, etc.
2) Choose Character over Chemistry: While chemistry
and attraction are no doubt important, character precedes them both. A
famous quote follows, “Chemistry ignites the fire, but character keeps
it burning.” The idea of falling “in love” should never be the sole
reason for marrying someone; it is very easy to confuse infatuation and
lust for love. The most important character traits to look for include
humility, kindness, responsibility, & happiness. Here’s a breakdown
of each trait:
- Humility: The humble person never makes demands of
people but rather always does right by them. They put their values and
principles above convenience and comfort. They are slow to anger, are
modest, and avoid materialism.
- Kindness: The kind person is the quintessential
giver. They seek to please and minimize the pain of others. To know if a
person is a giver, observe how they treat their family, siblings, and
parents. Do they have gratitude towards their parents for all that
they’ve done for them? If not, then know that they will never appreciate
what you do for them. How do they treat people they don’t have to be
kind towards (i.e. waiters, sales associates, employees, etc)? How do
they spend their money? How do they deal with anger; their own anger
and their reaction to someone else’s anger?
- Responsibility: A responsible person has stability
in their finances, relationships, job, and character. You can you rely
on this person and trust what they say.
- Happiness: A happy person is content with their
portion in life. They feel good about themselves and good about their
life. They focus on what they have rather than on what they don’t have.
They very rarely complain.
3) Do Not Neglect The Emotional Needs of Your Partner:
Both men and women have emotional needs and in order for a partnership
to be successful those needs must be mutually met. The fundamental
emotional need of a woman is to be loved. The fundamental emotional
need of a man is to be respected and appreciated. To make a woman feel
loved give her the three AAAs: Attention, Affection, &
Appreciation. To make a man feel loved give him the three RRRs:
Respect, Reassurance, & Relief. It is the obligation of each
partner to make sure the other is happy and this extends to intimacy as
well. As long as each partner is fulfilled by the emotional needs of the
other, the intimate relationship will thrive. When a man takes
seriously the emotional needs of his wife she will feel more encouraged
to fulfill his sexual desires. Likewise, when a woman takes seriously
the emotional needs of her husband he will feel more encouraged to give
her the affection, love and appreciation she wants from him. Working
together in this way encourages both giving and receiving.
4) Avoid Opposing Life Plans: In marriage you can
either grow together or grow apart. Sharing a common purpose in life
will increase the chance that you will grow together.
- You must know what the person is into. In other words, what are they
ultimately passionate about? Then ask yourself, “Do I respect this
passion?” “Do I respect what they are into?”
- The more specifically you define yourself, i.e., your values, your
beliefs, your lifestyle, the better chance you have of finding your life
partner, your soul mate, the one you are most compatible with.
- Remember, before you decide who to take along on a trip, you should first figure out your destination.
5) Avoid Pre-Marital Sexual/Physical Activity:
- Recognize that there is incredible wisdom in why God has ordered us
to refrain from intimacy before marriage; they are to prevent great
harms as well as to keep sacred what is the most blessed part of a
relationship between a man and a woman.
- Aside from the obvious spiritual consequences, when a relationship
gets physical before its time, important issues like character, life
philosophy, and compatibility go to the wayside. Consequently,
everything is romanticized and it becomes difficult to even remember the
important issues let alone talk about them.
- Intellectual commitment must be established before emotional or sexual commitment.
6) Avoid Lack of Emotional Connection: There are four questions that you must answer YES to:
- Do I respect and admire this person? What specifically do I respect and admire about this person?
- Do I trust this person? Can I rely on them? Do I trust their judgment? Do I trust their word? Can I believe what they say?
- Do I feel Safe? Do I feel emotionally safe with this person? Can I be vulnerable? Can I be myself? Can I be open? Can I express myself?
- Do I feel calm and at peace with this person?
If the answer is “I don’t know, I’m not sure, etc.” keep evaluating
until you know for sure and truly understand how you feel. If you don’t
feel safe now, you won’t feel safe when you are married. If you don’t
trust now, this won’t change when you are married!
7) Pay Attention to Your Own Emotional Anxiety: Choosing
someone you don’t feel safe with emotionally is not a good recipe for a
long-lasting and loving marriage. Feeling emotionally safe is the
foundation of a strong and healthy marriage. When you don’t feel safe,
you can’t express your feelings and opinions. Learn how to identify
whether you are in an abusive relationship. If you feel you always have
to monitor what you say, if you are with someone and you feel you can’t
really express yourself and are always walking on eggshells, then it’s
very likely you are in an abusive relationship. Look for the following
things:
- Controlling behavior: This includes controlling the
way you act, the way you think, the way you dress, the way you wear
your hair/hijab and the way you spend your time. Know the difference
between suggestions and demands. Demands are an expression of control
and if the demands are implied, than you must do it or there will be
consequences. All of these are clear indications of abusive
personalities.
- Anger issues: This is someone who raises their
voice on a regular basis, who is angry, gets angry at you, uses anger
against you, uses put downs, and curses at you, etc. You don’t have to
put up with this type of treatment. Many people who tolerate this
behavior usually come from abusive backgrounds. If this is the case
with you or someone you know, get help right away. Deal with those
issues before getting married or before even thinking about getting
married.
Beware of Lack of Openness In Your Partner:
Many couples make the mistake of not putting everything on the table
for discussion from the onset. Ask yourself, “What do I need to know to
be absolutely certain I want to marry this person?” “What bothers me
about this person or the relationship?” It’s very important to identify
what’s bothering you, things that concern you, and things you are
afraid to bring up for discussion. Then you must have an honest
discussion about them. This is a great way to test the strength of your
relationship. Bringing up issues when there’s conflict is a great
opportunity to really evaluate how well you communicate, negotiate, and
work together as a team. When people get into power struggles and blame
each other, it’s an indication they don’t work well as a team. Also
important is being vulnerable around each other. Ask deep questions of
each other and see how your partner responds. How do they handle it?
Are they defensive? Do they attack? Do they withdraw? Do they get
annoyed? Do they blame you? Do they ignore it? Do they hide or
rationalize it? Don’t just listen to
what they say but watch for
how they say it!
9) Beware of Avoiding Personal Responsibility: It’s very important to remember
no one else is responsible for your happiness. Many
people make the mistake of thinking someone else will fulfill them and
make their life better and that’s their reason for getting married.
People fail to realize that if they are unhappy as a single person, they
will continue to be miserable when they are married. If you are
currently not happy with yourself, don’t like yourself, don’t like the
direction your life is going now, it’s important to take responsibility
for that now and work on improving those areas of your life before
considering marriage. Don’t bring these issues into your marriage and
hope your partner will fix them.
10) Watch Out For Lack of Emotional Health and Availability In Your Potential Partner:
Many people choose partners that are not emotionally healthy or
available. One huge problem is when a partner is unable to balance the
emotional ties to family members, the marriage ends up having 3 (or
more) people in it rather than two. An example of this would be if a man
is overly dependent on his mother and brings that relationship into the
marriage; this is no doubt a recipe for disaster. Also important to
consider are the following:
- Avoid people who are emotionally empty inside. These include people
who don’t like themselves because they lack the ability to be
emotionally available. They are always preoccupied with their
deficiencies, insecurities, and negative thoughts. They are in a
perpetual fight with depression, never feel good, are isolated, are
critical and judgmental; tend to not have any close friends, and often
distrust people or are afraid of them. Another clear indication about
them is they always feel their needs are not getting met; they have a
sense of entitlement and feel angry when they feel people should take
care of them and they don’t. They feel burdened by other people’s needs
and feel resentment towards them. These people can not be emotionally
available to build healthy relationships.
- Addictions can also limit the level of availability of the partner
to build a strong emotional relationship. Never marry an addict.
Addictions are not limited to drugs and alcohol. They can be about
addictions and dependency on work, internet, hobbies, sports, shopping,
money, power, status, materialism, etc. When someone has an addiction,
they will not and can not be emotionally available to develop an
intimate relationship with you!
Additional Points to Consider:
- The fact is no one looks 25 forever. Ultimately, we love the person
we marry for more than their appearance. When we get to know someone
we love and admire, we’ll love them for their inner beauty and overall
essence.
- Once we find someone, we consciously or subconsciously want so badly
for it all to work that we decide not to question or see what is
clearly in front of our eyes: they were rude to the waiter, speaks ill
of others, is rude to you, etc. We don’t stop to ask, “What does all of
this mean about their character?”
- Never separate someone from their family, background, education,
belief system, etc. Asking clear questions can clarify this. Ask
questions like, “What does it mean to have a simple lifestyle?” “What
are your expectations of marriage?” “How would you help around the
house?” Compare your definition with theirs.
- Be flexible. Be open-minded!
- Giving in a happy marriage should not be confused with martyrdom.
It should be about taking pleasure and seeing the other person as happy
because of your connection with them.
- Morality and spirituality are the qualities that truly define
someone in addition to beauty, money, and health. The morally upright
and spiritual person will stand by your side during adversity and
hardship. If someone isn’t God-conscience and doesn’t take themselves
into account with God then why should you expect them to fulfill their
rights owed to you? The ideal partner is someone who considers giving a
gain and not causing a loss. Having a mutual and shared spiritual
relationship will foster a successful marriage. Furthermore, a
successful marriage is one that keeps the laws of family purity which
require a certain degree of self-control and self-discipline, as well as
the belief that the physical side of the relationship includes the
spiritual and emotional side as well. Finding commonality and balance
between the spiritual and emotional aspects of a relationship is a
strong key to a healthy and thriving marriage.
————
by Dr. Nafisa Sekandari & Hosai Mojaddidi
