Thursday, March 22

things women shouldn’t say to men

1) We need to talk
Maybe you do, but that opener is not working for anyone. It just fills a man with dread and makes him want to get away from you as quickly as possible.

 2) How do I look? and Do I look fat in this?
In both cases, what you’re looking for here ladies is less a truthful answer and more something to gas up your heads. Unfortunately, if you’re lucky enough to have a man who will even glance up from the game to look at you before answering, what you’ll get is either a protracted once-over followed by a “Good” or a “No”. Or you’ll get the truth. And you probably won’t like it. So just skip it.

3) Which one of my friends would you eff?
Why oh why would you ask this? What could you possibly hope to gain from knowing which of your friends stars in your man’s masturbatory fantasies? Just leave it alone ladies. Trust me when I tell you you don’t want to know the answer to this.

4) My ex used to….
Insert good or bad behaviour here. Telling your man that your ex used to buy you flowers “just because” or saying that he used to have textual relations with other girls and that’s why you can’t stop yourself from going through his phone is probably going to lead to an invitation that you go reunite with said ex, since you’re so fixated on him.

5) My girls say…
I think men have resigned themselves to the fact that women discuss the most minute details of their relationships with their girlfriends. They probably don’t get it or like it, but they accept it. But that doesn’t mean that they are interested in hearing your girlfriends’ co-sign on your latest grievance against your man. Besides which, if the only supporting argument you can come up with is “even my friends think you’re wrong”, your point is probably weak.
7) You don’t ____ like you used to
The blank can be filled in with things such as compliment me, kiss me hello/goodbye, go down on me, wanna hang out with me, and other such acts. And I’m not saying it isn’t a legitimate complaint. It’s a sad fact of life that the beginning of a relationship is packed with romance and ego-boosting compliments, which quickly fade once he hits it you become comfortable with each other, but I’ve yet to see this tactic achieve the desired results. You’re more likely to be accused of being insecure. Or a nag. Or both.

8) You love your friends more than you love me
Ladies, men need their men time. You need to get that. The relationship between your man and his boys is sacred and you need to stay outside of it. If you love your man, don’t ask to come along to boy’s night and please oh please don’t ask him to stay home and hold you when he’s supposed to go watch the fight with the fellas. This is a competition you cannot win. Or maybe you can, but it would probably mean your man’s a punk and you don’t want him anyway.
Also, using the phrase “your stupid-ass friends” in any capacity is probably not going to score you any points. They’re non-negotiable so just grin and bear it.

9) Who’s that girl?
Who’s that girl that wrote on your wall on Facebook? That you just nodded to on the street? That you retweeted? That you spoke to at the club? A woman’s need to know the name, rank, and serial number of every female who crosses her man’s path just screams desperation. And psychosis. So please don’t.
10) Do you know how many other men want me? We know men thrive on competition, but this is not the move. This is what a girl says when she’s not getting what she wants from a man, but I doubt it ever achieves the desired effect. Any man worth his stones can only respond to this by inviting her to, in the immortal words of Method Man “go find another sucker, yo”.

11) Did you eff her?
Just as Slim said, this question rarely yields a truthful answer. And if it does, you may not like it. So just leave it alone!

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